life is so fragile. today, i went to my friend's father wake. He died in a car accident, and passed away in the hospital without ANYONE by his side. Its so depressing. These few years, i have seen a few of such cases already. Ultimately, the one who suffered the most are the family members. They have to face the cruel fact that their close one who were always by their side have left them. Actually, i find it extremely difficult to accept such sudden departure. 2 years ago, one of my cousin just had a heart attack while running the treadmill at the gym, and died instantly, without leaving his very last goodbye. Till now, his memories are still deep inside our heart. and just yesterday, one of my uncle had a heart attack at the coffee shop. Fortunately, he manages to escape death and is now warded in MICU. AND his heart is actually 36% punctured. Lets just hope he can recover soon after his operation. argh.
I have seen too much grievance. too many sudden deaths. Life shouldn't be so cruel. I am fortunate to have my parents around, but yet so afraid that i might lose any of them anytime. If only death is predictable.. IF ONLY.
For now, i can only cherish every moments i have with my family members. I hate the fragilty of life, but yet, I can do zilch about it. Humans are just so hopeless.
floated away at
11:30 PM
Monday, June 28, 2004 .purpose.
the purpose of writing a blog is for the reader to understand YOU. to know the real YOU. to know how YOU are feeling at that point of time. Its definitely not a medium for bragging,seeking pity, or for hurting anybody. If readers happen to misunderstand your blog, just blame yourself for being so hard to understand. Thats why I never give my address to people I am not close with. A blog should be personal. It shouldn't be distributed around the web. Ok. at least for me. If i feel like a stranger to you, don't read my blog. I am fine with it.
my carefree life is ending soon. No more 9-4 working hours. I am transferred out of my branch due to the many committments i seem to have. Its not a bad thing actually, since i will not be doing the dirty servicing job anymore i guess, but YES, i will miss my colleagues who i have suffered with for the past few months. Seperation is inevitable. Friends come and go. Its useless to feel emotional.
My waterpolo competition came out to be a flop. Didn't win a single match. Blame it on our inexperience. Blame it on our unskilled ball handling. Its amazing how we can "mock" at the weaker teams when we ourselves ain't great in the first place. The problem with our team is, we don't think great of ourselves. We think of losing even before the game. Waterpolo is a team sport, but from what i see, everyone seems to care solely for themselves. They pick on other's mistakes. They do not learn from their own mistakes and they just don't simply give a damn on the team's performance actually. Its sad. I really love waterpolo, but I am not exactly good at it. I SUX actually. but i do see improvements in myself. Self-achievement is more important. Assurance from others is only a bonus.
floated away at
10:56 PM
Sunday, June 27, 2004 .hamsters.
just adopted 2 hamsters today. too bored. hopefully, i will be able to provide them with a comfortable living.. hopefully. thanks min.
watched a plotless show today. wonder why i kept watching shows that either have no plots, or just plain dumb recently. shows like these shouldn't be screened at all. what a waste of money.
floated away at
4:01 AM
Friday, June 25, 2004 .insignificant.
i am born to be insignificant. really insignificant.
floated away at
9:07 PM
Thursday, June 24, 2004 .too much attention.
i am puzzled, why i always create too much attention for myself. my actions. my speech. my presentation.. whatever. i will usually be remembered more than the majorities. Its not as if i am outstanding, but i sometimes really detest the attention i am getting everywhere, let it be work, sports, anywhere.
today, my waterpolo team mates told me i am one who gets attention VERY easily, because of my "telegenic" face, because of the way i present myself. lol. it all happens because i complain why people ALWAYS focus too much attention on me. For instance, whenever i lose the ball in a match, some of my teammates will start "disparaging" me on how dumb it is losing the ball. whenever i panic whenever i am under pressure, people will use this as a joke ON me. argh. I know they are JOKING, BUT i don't get it why other people don't get this "special" treatments whenever they commit such faults. WHY? why do people open up to me SO easily, even my teammates whom i got to know only like a month ago?! Am i really so easy-going that people think they do not have to watch what they say in front of me? Do I look like one who can take ALL kinds of jokes?! lol. No matter how i flare up. No matter how I trying looking angry, people still LOVE the idea of joking with me.
Some people try SO hard to get attention, yet i always get the unnecessary attention which I always hope I never get. Sometimes, I can say hi to somebody which i never realise i knew. perhaps i have a recognisable face but seriously, I need a break. Its not as if I am POPULAR. I am just unfortunate getting all the BAD attention. Guys, stop focusing on me. I am NOT a celebrity. I don't wanna be remembered for my bad ways.
floated away at
2:30 PM
Sunday, June 20, 2004 .happy father's day.
thanks for being such a nice dad for these past 20 years. you have been the best dad I can ever get. I shall not say much since everyone has their only say on their dads. LOL. To all dads, Happy father's day. :)
floated away at
6:24 PM
Saturday, June 19, 2004 .glamour.
often, we always see the glamorous side of everything. we see how glamorous stars are. we see how glamorous some jobs seem to be. we see how glamorous wealthy people living in mansions, driving posh cars are. however, many of us don't realise the stress, the problems they face. being ordinary isn't unfortunate. its a blessing actually, because, once you are at the top, its painful to fall. its difficult to accept the cruel fact. however, climbing up is merely tiring, but the pain can never be compared to somebody who falls from the top.
glamour is often deceiving. looking glamorous on the surface isn't something to be proud of. its actually painful. i rather be ordinary. i think i will lead a happier life like this.
floated away at
10:02 PM
Friday, June 18, 2004 .open up.
last night, i had a long chat session with one of my friend. realise i think too much. i am too negative. i mind too much what people will think of me. i am in a quandary whenever i am attached out camp. people always see the surface. i always try convincing myself i am WORKING. i hate letting myself down. i simply detest the idea of being unproductive the whole day. i need to tire myself so i will feel better. ha. i am weird. i know.
some says i am sensitive. some refuse to agree. perhaps, i just hate letting myself down. other than that, i don't usually think much. i always feel guilty. ALWAYS. i feel guilty for letting my colleagues do my job. i feel guilty going home early. i feel guilty for my dilatory habit. i feel guilty for being indolent most of the time. i feel guilty for not giving friends lift. i feel guilty in ALMOST everything, even if i am not obliged to. even if i know i should be exculpated in some cases. thats why i say i think too much. ha. wonder whats happening to me. getting so passive. so troubled. so ambivalent .
i guess.. i just need to open up. i have to constantly tell myself i am growing up. i am no longer a kid who gets protected wherever i go.
floated away at
6:38 PM
Thursday, June 17, 2004 .no more p-plate.
at last, one year is over. i am no longer a noob driver like most of my peers are. LOL. thankful of all the experiences i have on the roads, and glad nothing major actually happened. :)
went for lifeguard attachments on tuesday. feel like a school camp. miss all those outfields which i haven't had for a long time. sick of army, even though i will be serving 2 months less. lol. i am getting too lazy. i realise, but slogging hard for army is just not worth it.
The Reason- Hoobastank I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear
I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
floated away at
5:37 PM
Tuesday, June 15, 2004 .the reason.
i love sentimental songs. it makes me feel... so humane. :) nice songs are temporary. but at least they were once nice. addiction will soon turn mundane. its just how fast the feeling turns staid. the same goes for relationships. addiction never last.
till this point, i don't really comprehend what the hell i am writing though. forgive me.
floated away at
1:02 AM
Sunday, June 13, 2004 .constructive.
i need a more constructive life. clubbing, dancing wildly at the dancefloor, sleeping from 4am-6pm , just isn't normal. i feel sad for myself. i am wasting my life. i vow not to lead such a lifestyle anymore, occassionally perhaps.
floated away at
6:57 PM
Friday, June 11, 2004 .improvement.
the purpose of training is to improve. as long as it is achieved, training will be deemed to be effective. and the process is gradual. without sufficient training, its impossible to excel in anything. i realise.
floated away at
4:46 PM
Thursday, June 10, 2004 .mambo night.
it always amazed me how alcohol can make one so drunk. how one really feels when drunk. i never had the experience before and i wonder how myself will be like DRUNK. Thats why driving a car can help kerb the temptations of drinking too much, but then again, it kinda spoils the fun. One day, i wanna try feeling so high that i start forgetting who i am. lol.
mambo night isn't that great after all. i prefer phuture, but the crowd is horrible. too packed. too stuffy, and some stink. nevertheless, i had good company which makes my night better. to ying, we can always club again but make sure you don't get yourself so drunk again. ha. min, so glad u are not a racist. lol.
floated away at
12:34 PM
Wednesday, June 09, 2004 .not really a new start.
just feel my blog needs a little refreshment. kindly leave any valuable feedbacks u have. i am bored. :)
floated away at
1:31 PM
.surprise.
i always believe a surprise always leave the recipient feeling delightful and touched. I still remember the day when i received a belated birthday gift from my friend by postage. It felt... SO great.
It has been long since i last received surprises anymore. Not from anyone. Not anymore. I feel sad all of a sudden.
floated away at
1:30 AM
.learn to be happy.
today, i felt the sense of guilt in me again, the same feeling i had a few months back when i was attached out for lifeguard course and inter-formation swimming. i realise my life is great, being able to stay out of camp and pursue the sports i love, but then again i realise at the expense of me attaching out, my poor friends are doing the job i am supposed to do. sometimes, i really feel like skipping training and return back camp to help them lighten the workload, but again, the moment i think of the number of people who will start making sarcastic remarks such as " hey.. u r back AT LAST", i relented. Thats the problem with army. No one recognises your good deed, unless you appear to be a MR NICE guy all the time, which i absolutely don't look like ONE, so i decided to just f**k it. I have gotten over it for now.
tried calling one of my friend who seem to be ignoring ALL my calls. Its getting on my nerves actually when he is making such a small little mattar so HUGE. To be exact, i think i called 7 times so far, but he never answers my phone. Hey come on, i am not your boyfriend. I don't have to pacify you. Sorry but your stubborn acts seriously makes me feel all my effort have gone to waste. Since you persist, and if u are reading my blog, yes, you will not receive any of my calls ANYMORE. Learn to be happy. Learn to take things easy. If you don't learn the hard way, you NEVER learn. I shall not compromise anymore. PLEASE learn. PLEASE.
Offended? Too bad. You are just being too petty. Serious.
floated away at
1:09 AM
Sunday, June 06, 2004 .shopping spree.
went on a satisfying shopping spree today at orchard, though i only got myself 2 shades and 1 pink tee. ha. saw sOoo many stuff that i wanna buy, but i controlled myself. lol. there is this GUESS jeans that i fancy a lot.. and it costs only $72 after a whopping 70% discount. It was actually $240. lol. nearly got it, but its not exactly fitting, and after consideration, decided to give it a miss.... There is this beetle bug shoe that has 20% discount.. so tempting too. ha. and if i gonna name every tempting buy, this entry will be endless.
Nevertheless, if only i have more cash.. i would have gotten more stuff. ha. realise i have been neglecting my personal image ever since i shift all my attention to my precious car... ha. perhaps its time to stop spending money on modding my car anymore...
floated away at
10:27 PM
.too blunt?.
i have been thinking whether i am one who offend people easily. apparently yes. yesterday, one of my friends just stormed off after having a conversation with me, without me knowing the reason. perhaps, sometimes i am too blunt, or shall i say , insensitive. fortunately, no girls so far need to suffer my bluntness. to that good friend of mine, i apologise. cheer up. i am not worth getting angry over at. :)
floated away at
1:35 PM
Friday, June 04, 2004 .lousy.
harry potter suxs. yes. BIG TIME. or perhaps because i don't really catch the true meaning of the show. ha :P i realise i am a movie idiot. i usually feel confused AFTER any show.
floated away at
1:24 AM
Thursday, June 03, 2004 .miss universe.
omg. did i tell you people i think miss paraguay looks like a godess. man..
floated away at
7:46 PM
.so ordinary.
i never really excel in ANYTHING. Even swimming or waterpolo, i never seem to be better than my formation team mates. yes, i can swim better than the average, but i feel i am one of the slowest, one of the weakest among the best. i hate that. i feel lousy sometimes, though like what many people say.. i always walk around with confidence.. or to be mean, arrogance, i realise i am actually quite passive. i don't really think i am GREAT. i always think i sux. In fact, sometimes i feel inferior. i can't seem to do better than the BEST.. sad thing, but yes its the fact.
BUT, i never lament about the flaws i have, although i do hope i can be the TOP in something, such as waterpolo, swimming or whatever la, but i can't seem to find any talents in me. pathetic, but yes. haha. i always manage to get to the formation team, but it just isn't glorious not being the BEST in the team sometimes.
whatever, some things are just... so helpless.
