Tuesday, October 26, 2004 .think, ponder, roll over, think, ponder, roll, sleep.
it has been a while since I last reflect upon myself during bedtime. Yesterday I was so tired due to the reshuffling of stores which my men and I shifted 60+ OBMs ( boat engines each weighing 66kg! )from one store to another. The last time I recall carrying an OBM was a year ago when I was still a trainee in Seletar Camp. It suxs totally. Thats why I symphatize with my current men and offered my help whenever I can while the other sergeants just sit at a corner and observe what the men are doing due to the mentality : " Nobody pitied me when I was a trainee. Why must I pity my men now? Its just parts and parcels of life " I agree to a certain extent, but still I always believe in easing some loads from them since I always yearn for such help when I was a trainee! Perhaps this explains why most of my men are kinda close to me, and I believe, respect me in a way or another. I believe in doing what i feel is right, and as long as my conscience is clear, it is enough. Occassionally though, I will still wonder if working so hard is worth it. yea yea i said it many many times but this just always comes in my mind! You know? The present ME have cancelled 2 off days of mine JUST to stay back camp to assist my boss in the reshuffling of the stores? If this is 6 months ago, I would have said " Taking OFF is my entitlement. I need the rest anyway and there are always other people to help out! " I can't explain the new found diligence in me too. In the present department I am in, I feel important. My superiors usually consult me for help. They tell the others they trust me more than the other specs, and they usually respect the decisions I make, and weirdly, I love the way it is now! I love being important. I love having work to do, to the extent OF staying back camp instead of going back to rest! I love gaining my superiors' trust. I love being known as responsible and trustworthy. I love the present me. I love my present work attitude. To others, I might be dumb. I might be a moron working hard for the army when I am only getting a meagre allowance of $647.50. To me however is the gain of experience. I have learnt a lot at least for working harder than the rest. I finally got the confidence and technique of handling men and asking them to work. I have learnt to deal with different people at work. I have learned how to handle politics and to take harsh comments lightly. I have learned that there will always be great people out there willing to assist you whenever they can. ( you just need to be lucky to find them ). Of course, I have also learned that being entrusted with work and MORE work is something so fulfilling! AND i believe all these skills will definitely be useful to me in the future when I start working at the corporate world. It sure tires me down, but as long as it is going to assist in my progress, I won't mind the hard work i guess :) If only I apply this during my BMT days and not choose to project the slack look, I would have just signed on and become an officer. ha. too late.
However, I guess there are still many to improve on. Sometimes, I really hate the idea of me being SO direct, SO pissed at slackers, SO offending whenever I am frustrated, SO stubborn, SO ..... too many to mention.
I had a talk with my CSM ( Company Sergeant Major ) 2 days ago and he commented on me being too direct at times, and the way I express myself is just too NEGATIVE. He advised me to learn to talk RIGHT, and not express my unhappiness unnecessarily. This is DUMB. Just because I am ALWAYS the ONE expressing out the UNHAPPINESS of the MAJORITY, i get vindicated! Perhaps I am pure DUMB. My other friends usually chose to keep mum, but for ME, i will usually express it out unknowingly, either with my so-blardy-pissed-off face, or just spurted it out in a fit of anger. and in the end, I become the victim. argh. I hate this. No matter how I tell MYSELF to control, control and control... everything just turn futile in the end. I REALLY need to learn to complain less, though I think it is not going to make me a better person in anyway.
I get too stressed easily. I get stressed over heavy workloads, over projects which seems endless to complete, over RESPONSIBILITIES, over my men, over competitions, over my fitness, over my students, over myself being too stressed. WHATS THE POINT actually?! argh. I must learn to relax... YES. relax. I don't wanna end up pissing people off because I really get quite quarrelsome whenever I am stressed! BUT i wanna emphasize. I can handle stress A LOT better than MANY people, and stress is definitely an essential component in my life. contradicting again.... :p
gosh. I just scrolled up and realise my entry is getting TOO long. I still have a lot more to say but i guess i shall stop. Its a tiring day for me and I shall head for bed now. Good night.
