Monday, January 10, 2005 .should i even be disappointed?.
had my swimming meet today. another year has passed, yet... i didn't do as well as i expect myself to. my very first 400M freestyle event was a... flop. Despite eating only ONE slice of bread, I still puke everyday out on my 3rd lap, which caused me to get a pathetic 5th. I am not trying to find excuses, but if I could have finished the race WITHOUT any blunders, i don't at all mind getting a 5th. I hate myself. It has always been the case. I expect too much of myself. I try to be the best which I never can't. I give myself too much stress. I have VERY little confidence of myself. I want to win , too badly sometimes. As a result, I under-performed in EVERY competition, let it be volleyball, swimming or any other competitions. I sux. argh. Till now, i still can't accept the fact why i fared so badly for my 400M. I am confident I could have done a lot better. But i guess its all over afterall. Who wants to lose anyway?
Of course, everything comes with a consolation. I actually came in FIRST for the 200M freestyle event I have little hopes in. WTF?! ha. BUT.. BUT.. overall, i only came in third because there were 2 waves for this event. what a disappointment.
I just have to learn to relax more. I wonder why anxiety came into me even 2 days before the competition. Other competitors seem so relaxed. I am just not steady enough. Afterall, its only a competition with NO medals.
